Doubt
by Megalink1126
Summary: On the surface, it's the story of a Pokémon Trainer as he shares his doubts in his abilities. But underneath that, it is much, much more… One-shot.


Sometimes I wonder just what it is I'm still doing here. I mean, what's the point? What am I trying to prove by continuing on like this? It's not like I'm doing anything spectacular. Who would care if I just…stopped?

Has it really been two and a half years already? Man, it seems like it was only yesterday that I was starting out. So young. So full of confidence. So sure I was going places and this was simply the first step.

I was so naïve.

Looking back, I can't believe how stupid I was. How I believed that what I was doing was something incredibly amazing. How I imagined what it would be like to achieve my goals. What it would be like to have tons of fans waiting on the edge of their seats for my each and every move, constantly cheering me on as I rose higher and higher.

I still think about what that would be like sometimes. But now I know that it'll never happen. It's a false dream. One with absolutely zero percent chance of happening. Not at my current level of experience, and certainly not in any foreseeable future.

The truth is, I am a failure.

At least I'm better than I was when I first started out. Back then, I could have sworn I was one of the best around. Or at least one of the best from the few people I had seen. Sure, there were plenty of others that I encountered that were better than me. But I believed, in the midst of my youthful fantasies, that one day soon I would surpass them. All I needed was a chance, and I would show them. I would show everyone how great I could be…

I was a fool.

I'm nothing special. Nope, not at all. In fact, I'm surprised no one had the heart to point it out to me before. I doubt it would have helped, though. I was too far gone in my fantasies. I would have thought they were just jealous, or didn't know what they were talking about. After all, how could _I_ have been wrong? There was no chance. Nope, none at all. I was well on my way, and I wasn't going to let any of them hold me back.

Now though… Now it seems like it was all for nothing. None of that confidence or blindness got me anywhere. In reality, it was only holding me back.

I can't really say for sure when I realized the truth about how bad I was. It wasn't like there was a magical light bulb that went off in my head one day, snapping me out of the fog I was in and casting me out into reality. It happened gradually, I think. All I remember is slowly but surely being less and less happy with what I was doing. Especially once I actually began meeting some real, big-time talent.

I guess you could say that as the years went by, I got a whole lot smarter. And a whole lot more realistic. I could see the mistakes that I had been making so clearly when looking back, and as I learned more and more, the more mistakes I could point out.

Truthfully, it scared me. If I could see all these mistakes after this short amount of time, what mistakes could I be making right now that I wasn't able to see? So I kept on learning and getting more experience, for what else could I do? It wasn't like I was going to continue failing blindly, especially now that I knew that something very, very wrong was going on.

But the knowledge was a double-edged sword. For the more and more that I learned I had done wrong, the more and more unhappy I became with myself. With my work. With everything that I had tried to do. Slowly but surely, I lost interest in what I was doing. I lost interest in failing over and over again. If this wasn't for me, why should I continue? What was the point?

Truthfully, I probably wouldn't be here right now if not for the people I had met on this journey. The ones who are all so much better than I am. The ones who encouraged me to continue, even though I knew that I was so awful. The ones I am lucky to call my friends.

I met the first bunch of them almost two years ago, although I had heard of a lot of them before that. We weren't all the best at what we were doing, but we all enjoyed watching each other work and we tried to push each other to succeed even more. And slowly but surely that group of acquaintances grew as the years passed, adding more and more members to our little club.

Of course, I knew a few others outside of the group. Most of them weren't anything special, or at least in my younger, much more naïve eyes, so of course I had no time for them. And those that I did associate with usually didn't stick around for long. But there were a few here and there that stuck with me, and together we pushed each other on, looking over each other's work and praising our efforts.

I really think it was my finding these little groups that really set about my change in perspective from an inexperienced and blind child to who I am today: a complete and utter failure, who is at least aware enough of his horrid work to try to make it better. But it never is. There is always that sense of unhappiness, the sense of how bad it is when compared to many of the other's work.

Really, my friends are the only reason I'm still around. If not for them, then who knows how long I would have continued to go on blindly, unaware of how bad I truly was. But I know I would have found out eventually, and once that feeling of doubt set in, I would have quit. It would have been so much easier to just stop then to stay and struggle with getting better, even though the chances of me ever getting to a respectable level were slim to none.

I admit, I did stop working for a while. In the lowest point of my realization of the truth, I simply quit trying. I didn't put forth anything for the others to see. I just stuck around to converse with them, as they were my friends now and even if I wasn't going to continue, I could still talk with them from time to time.

And yet… I couldn't help but feel a stirring inside of me whenever they presented something to the rest of us. It made me long for the days of my naivety, back when I at least did something, even if what I did was horrid.

So I decided I would try again, and this time I was going to do it right. I was going to try to be the best I could possibly be, using all of my knowledge and inspiration I had gathered, even if it wasn't much at all. It was not easy. Even though I knew what I was supposed to do, that didn't necessarily mean I knew how to do it.

After a lot of struggling, I finally managed to put together something that was relatively good. Or at least, good compared to the work that I had put forth before. But still, the same feeling of unhappiness about it overcame me when I took a closer look. It still wasn't good enough. No, it wasn't good enough for the standards the others had set.

Since then, I have continued struggling. And every time I get better and better. But I have a feeling that nothing that I do will ever make me completely satisfied. There will always be that doubt nagging in the back of my mind, reminding me of all my past failures and how bad I actually am.

But I will continue. I am determined that make it work this time. To keep on getting better, and hopefully one day achieve a few of those reachable goals I had when I first started out. I can see that it won't be easy. That much I know for sure. If I can get over my inadequacies and my doubt, then who knows what I'll be able to do. And maybe, just maybe, someday I'll be on the same level as a few of my friends. But until then, I can only persevere, letting my dreams and newfound knowledge guide me to wherever they may take me.

Yes, I am optimistic about the future and what I can do. Still, during times like this, when I think about where I began, I can't help but wonder…

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><p><strong>This one's dedicated to everyone from TiNa, PWW, and PTS, and also to my constant reviewers over the years, namely Violet Royalty and HeroGuardian. Thank you guys for being there and helping to keep me going on even when I thought about quitting.<strong>

**In case any of you are wondering, looking over my older chapters of Johto Journey put me in a bit of a depressed mood, and from that sort of came this. Any other questions should be sent to my muse, who was the one who told me to write this in the first place.**

**Yeah, I know it isn't the best, but…I don't know. It just seemed…wrong to edit it too much. Plus, it further proves my point I suppose. I still have a lot to learn, and all I can do is keep on struggling, and keep on writing, no matter how hard it may be.**

**Edit: And special thanks to Kate, aka tfclvi, for pointing out a few errors and whatnot.**


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